Waiting For Joe

An excerpt from the short story "Waiting for Joe" by Shalom Auslander
from the book Beware of God Stories. I heard it on This American Life. Listen here. It is on the top of my wishlist at Amazon.com.

In the beginning, he was always on time. But it had been a long time
since the beginning, longer than either Doughnut or Danish could
remember.

"I don't get it," complained Danish. "Isn't it time?"

"It's time," answered Doughnut.

"It feels like it's time."

"it's time."

Danish paced anxiously back and forth. Of course it was time! He
didn't need Doughnut to tell him that it was time!

"So where is he then?" asked Danish. "If it's time, then where is he?
I don't understand. Either he knows that it's time or he doesn't. Does
he know that it's time?"

Doughnut sat curled up inside their cold, empty feeding bowl, focused
intently on the doorknob of the apartment front door, believing with
all of his heart that at any moment the doorknob would turn, the door
would open and Joe would appear.

"We cannot pretend to think that we know what Joe knows and what Joe
doesn't know," pronounced Doughnut with a sharp twitch of his nose,
"we must only believe with all of our heart that Joe knows."

"I bet he doesn't know!" said Danish. He rose up on his hind legs and
flailed uselessly at the glass walls until he became exhausted.
Breathing heavily, he lumbered over to the water bottle that hung in
the far corner and drew a few drops into his mouth.

"You nonbelievers are all the same," scoffed Doughnut. He pushed some
dry cedar chips into a small, comfortable mound and settled down upon
it. "As if you were the first hamster to ever doubt him!" he said.
"The first rodent to ever think, really. Who else but you - with your
keen intellect, your contrarian insight, your moral bravery and
conviction - who possibly could come up with, 'What if Joe doesn't?'
'What if Joe can't?' Clothe your fear as integrity, Danish, but Joe
knows who believes and Joe knows who doesn't. Joe is here, Joe is
there, Joe is simply everywhere. 'What if he never comes back! What if
he's forgotten us! What if he's died!' You look around at all your
plastic-tube highways, and your fabulous Habitrail, and think you are
special. But do ants not build anthills? Do bees not build hives? It
is not what we build that make us unique, it is what we believe; it is
that we believe at all! Doubt, my dear Danish, is no great
achievement; it is faith that sets us apart. Besides," added Doughnut,
"he left his wallet on the front table. He's got to come back."

"He did?" asked Danish.

He stood up on his back legs and squinted through the glass. "Where?"

Doughnut walked over and stood beside Danish.

"There, on the table."

"Where?"

"There!"

"That?"

"Yes!"

"That's not a wallet, you idiot."

"Of course it's a wallet."

"It's a book," said Danish.

"It's not a book."

"Sure it is," said Danish. "I can read the spine. Along Came a Spider,
by James Patterson." He dropped down and shook his head. "Oh, no, he
does not."

Doughnut squinted a moment longer.

Damn.

It was a paperback.

Why would Joe abandon them? Why would he leave a sign for them right
there on the foyer table, and then make it not a sign? And why James
Patterson? What did it all mean?

"He does not read James Fucking Patterson!" cried Danish. "Our
Salvation! Our Provider! We must be out of our minds."

"It's a test," Doughnut said, as he curled back up in bed. "He's
testing our faith."

Danish stood on his hind legs and flailed uselessly at the glass wall
until he became exhausted. He took a drink of water, climbed up into
the plastic tree house and curled into a tight, angry ball.

"I happen to find Patterson thought-provoking and suspenseful,"
Doughnut said after a moment.

"You what?" asked Danish. "Did you just say you find James Patterson
thought-provoking and suspenseful? Jesus Christ. Open your eyes,
Doughnut. Don't you see what he's doing to us? Holding our food over
our heads like this? Dangling our fate before us like a banana-raisin-
nut bar tied to the end of the stick? Look at you, Doughnut. Are you
so desperate to believe in Joe that you're actually defending James
Patterson?!!"

"Cat and Mouse was a taut psychological thriller," said Doughnut.

"Oh, bullshit," said Danish.

Doughnut closed his eyes. Hunger stubbed sharply at his stomach, but
he would never admit it to Danish.

Where the hell was Joe?

Danish rummaged frantically through the seed shells and shavings that
covered the floor of their transparent little world. "He isn't
coming!"
he said, looking for even a sliver of a husk of a shell of a seed. "He
isn't coming."

Doughnut nestled deeper into his bed, eyes shut tight in fervent
concentration.

"May he who has fed us yesterday," he prayed, "feed us again today and
tomorrow and forever. Amen."

I like that Donut is the holy one =D

Don't Judge a Book...

...By its title?

Today I borrowed two books from the library. They are both on the same subject. One is called Ho For California and the other is called Block Party. Can you guess what these books are about?

Need some hints?

Ho For California is not about me.

Block Party is not about a free for all throw down in the neighborhood.

Give up? Click on the links above to see the books.

Mountain View, Arkansas

NPR's David Greene is a journalist on a mission. He is on a road trip, aptly titled "Take Me to Your Leader," thats purpose is finding local community leaders along the way from Barrack Obama's Chicago to John McCain's Phoenix.

Today Greene made a stop in Mountain View, a small town where I used to work, every Saturday. His reports are featured on Morning Edition, Day to Day, and Vox Politics (an NPR blog).


Listen to his story now.

Here is an excerpt from Vox Politics's Blog:

We continued reading letters out loud to each other all the way to Arkansas. Winding our way through the Ozarks, up and down the hills, we were forced to stop reading. Car-sickness. But we eventually arrived in a town called Mountain View -- a place suggested to us in one of your letters.
dog in mountain view

Even Panda the dog enjoys the music in Mountain View.
David Gilkey/NPR

Spontaneous bluegrass jams happen all over this town. We braked in front of the Mountain View Music Shop, where a group of pickers gather every Tuesday to play Old Time music, which predates but sounds similar to bluegrass. So as Hillary Clinton addressed the crowds in Denver, we listened to traditional mountain music -- banjos, guitars, and fiddles -- in the state her husband once governed.

-- Thomas Pierce

Here is footage of a typical Saturday evening at the town square:


What I find really interesting, that Greene barely touched on, is that Mountain View was one of the areas hit by a tornado on Super Tuesday, while the polls were still open. Greene mentioned that Arkansas was Hillary's home state, and he mentioned the DNC, but he didn't really tie them together. (According to Arkansas News Bureau, Obama shouldn't have any trouble getting Hillary's people behind him.)

Anyhoo, back to the tornado. It was an F4, and it blazed a path of destruction through the town and the surrounding county, completely knocking out electricity and phone service, including cell phones. Even EMS radios were down due to radio tower and repeater damage.

I cannot even begin to fathom such devastation. I have seen photos and I still can't seem to wrap my head around it. I am so glad I was not there when it happened, and I am extra glad I wasn't working there when it happened. The six years I lived in Arkansas I was fortunate enough to never have been near a tornado. I know I would have just peed my pants, or worse. Could I function after witnessing such a disaster? (I don't think so. My knees were shaking for like 10 minutes after our last earthquake, and just one of my pictures fell off the wall.) Could I get to work helping others even as I wondered whether my own family was safe?

The people I worked with at Vital Link did respond heroically. Although their living quarters were pulverized, and one of their ambulances destroyed, and although they had no lights, and no contact with the outside world, and there were power lines and debris strewn across all the roads and (I am sure) chaos everywhere, they responded. They set up aid stations. They found an alternative means of communication. They set up a command center. They went out into the community and rendered aid.

I am proud to say that I used to work with them, and that they taught me pretty much everything I know about EMS, and I am proud to count them as my friends. One of the guys I used to work with won one of the highest honors conferred upon EMS personelle in Arkansas, the Star of Life Award. In my book they all deserve awards, but congratulations to Mark Willis for his recognition.

Each year, the ArAA selects one overall “Star” to be named as the Arkansas delegate to the National Stars of Life program held in Washington, D.C. The 2008 Arkansas Star of Life is Mark Willis from Vital Link. Mr. Willis is an EMT and was honored for his actions during the tornado events that struck the Mountain View area this spring. Willis took extraordinary steps to keep his unit in service during the height of the storm, worked countless hours in the next few days to respond to the community’s needs, and even helped organize relief efforts following the destruction.

Psycho Stitchers

I'm joining a quilting group that is made up of a bunch of self proclaimed "loudmouth liberals." WooHoo. Sounds like my kind of people. So, now I am on the market for a sewing machine.

Have I ever sewed before, you ask? Why, yes I have. Not much, but a little. Although I don't speak sewing pattern language (what the hell is a notion?!) with my mom's help I was able to churn out a clown costume consisting of over-sized boxer shorts and a vest. I also took part in a quilting class last fall (I had to drop out because it ended up conflicting with my work schedule)and I made one of those super easy fringey quilts. And it turned out rather nice, if I might say so myself.

This Seems Oxymoronic

Or, just plain moronic. I'm not sure which.

I ran across a link for Batter Blaster on a message board. Batter Blaster is a product designed for busy people who want yummy pancakes for breakfast but don't have time to make them from scratch. Or even defrost pre-made frozen pancakes. But wait, there's more! They are also organic.

Organic batter being blasted from a can just seems so wrong. Isn't one of the arguments in favor of organic food and farming supposed to be that it produces less waste? The blasting can, therefore, seems superfluous. And slightly unnatural.

I'm not against blasting food out of cans (hello, where would we be without EZ Cheez?) but I don't think manufacturers should be slapping organic food labels on their spray can packages to give consumers a false sense of warm fuzzies about saving the planet.

Predictably Irrational

I borrowed this book from the library a few a weeks ago but just started diving into it a few days ago and it is fantastic. If you liked Freakonomics this book won't disappoint. Behavioral Economics is fresh and exciting, and the researchers in this field seem to be great story tellers. I plan to post more on some of the super interesting concepts, but I don't have right now. I must get back to my book!

Roy Zimmerman

This guy is great. Sergei and I saw him perform in Claremont a while back. He's on his way to the DNC right now. I can't wait to see what comes from that... I want to dedicate this song to my people in Arkansas.

Slava "Snowflake" Polunin and Licedei

I aspire....

Big Daddy

Remember Big Daddy creation comics? Well, I do. Written by one Jack Chick, of Jack Chick Tract fame, who can only be described as "the clown prince of loony religious nuttery," they are distributed by fundamentalist churches and left in laundromats like other crackpot literature (heck, if you get your reading material in a laundromat you may be beyond intervention.)

Sure, I used to believe in that bunk. I also had a faulty understanding of scientific principles and the empirical process.

Let me tell you, it is easy to pull the wool over the eyes of an ignoramus. That's exactly why it irks me so much that creationists target young folks (no offense young folks!) For a creationist who wishes to spread his simpleton propaganda there is no better audience. Kids are naive and impressionable. They are easy targets. American high schoolers are already on the bottom when it comes to grasping scientific concepts. So yeah, I take those attacks by creationists pretty seriously.

We need to educate with sound scientific principles, not indoctrinate America's youth with imbecilic ideas that do not stand up in the face of scientific fact. And facts cannot be disputed. Period.

I don't care if you think the world is only 6,000 years old. I don't care if you resent the statement that humans evolved from a common ancestor or that we are in fact primates. There is NO evidence to support your claims, your belief. That is the seminal difference between us. Science is NOT a belief, and it is not a religion, and it doesn't require more faith than believing in your God. In fact, it requires absolutely NO FAITH because having faith in something is the antithesis of requiring proof, which is what science is all about.

I was at one time a fundamentalist Christian. Am I proud of that fact? No. Am I ashamed? Well, no. Because I had an open enough mind to objectively evaluate my beliefs and accept what my critical analysis led me to. I don't expect everyone to come to the same conclusions as me. On the contrary, I enjoy and in a way admire people who can honestly see the world for what it is, accepting new scientific evidence and grappling with the ever-present problem of human suffering, and still keep their faith in a god. But don't think that I don't know where you are coming from. I have walked a mile in the literalist-Bible-interpretation shoes, figuratively speaking.

I generally do not argue with creationists because generally it does no good. Generally those debates become emotionally driven dialogs and facts are left by the wayside and fallacies in logic abound. And, generally, nothing is accomplished. On both sides of the debate the debaters are merely preaching to their respective choirs. But, I make an exception when science illiterate teens are involved. Or public school science curriculum. Or health class text books. You get my drift. When they start forcing everyone to live by their rules I just can't stand idly by.

That is when fundamentalist Christians really make me mad. Luckily, despite their best efforts, they really haven't had much success. Supreme Courts around the country, even in highly conservative regions, have been smacking down ID like Ghaffari on Karelin.

Not the Nine'O Clock News

The new revised revised Apostles' Creed, with Rowan Atkinson

Dreamy-mobiles

Killa-K's dream car (big and square):


My dream car (small and round):






And I want this sticker on the back, like as big as my back window(and check it out, that's a massive fuck off rear window). The caption beside it will read, "Like a Virgin," which, by the way, was Killa-K's idea.

Hot Off the Press

In this week’s eSkeptic, Mark Perakh discusses how Intelligent Design proponents created the myth that bacterial flagella look like man-made machines.

Why Are Animals so Funny?

I read once that in order for something to be humorous, it had to in some way resemble a human. I have yet to find an exception to this rule.

The Scene

I just received Scene, the quarterly magazine from LA's Music Center, and it's brimming with great stuff.

First off, FREE events:

At the Music Center:

09/05 and 09/19 Dance Downtown offers complimentary beginner dance lessons in Argentine Tango and Disco, respectively, as well as DJ/Live Music. 6:30pm to 10:00pm.

09/20 A Taste of Dance has $1 dance lessons from all over the world. 11am to 4pm.

09/28 Grand Avenue Festival features drum circles, flute choirs, a saxophone ensemble, art, music, entertainment and food. 11am to 5pm.

At Walt Disney Concert Hall:
(Arrive an hour early to get your free tickets - 11am and 12:30pm shows)

9/20 A Celebration of Armenian Arts with lyrical music and folk dancing. Arrive an hour early to get your free tickets.

10/11 Los Llaneros Ballet Folclorico do Brasil offers haunting melodies accompanying athletic Capoeira dances.

11/08 Kevin Locke Native Dance Ensemble celebrates Native American culture with hoop dancing, flute playing, story telling and more.

Clear your calendars! The Dave Brubeck Quartet is coming to town. I'd love to see them, but the cheapest seats are $36. And Sergei and I are cheap-asses. We usually prefer tickets in the $23 range. But, we might have to splurge for this occaission...


Some new edgy performances at RedCat:

10/09-10/12 Elevator Repair Service : In The Sound and The Fury: April Seventh, 1928 ERS takes on the opening section of Faulkner's most acclaimed novel. Director John Collins and the 12-member troupe fully embrace Faulkner’s free-flowing language and his radically fractured, multilayered narrative technique. I can't wait to see their interpretation of stream of conciousness! (God I'm a nerd).

11/29-12/01Degenerate Art Ensemble: In Cuckoo Crow the six-member ensemble uses frantic avant-garde music blended seamlessly with inventive Butoh-inspired movement and intense physical theater to invoke a fantastical landscape of dark poetry and offbeat humor as it stages the mythical resurrection of a fallen baby crow—whose egg had been pushed out of its nest by a pair of cuckoo hatchlings.

Phil the House, a free LA Phil Harmonic community concert at the Walt Disney Concert Hall on 09/25, 09/26, and 09/27. Call (323)850-2000 for your free tickets.

10/31 A Showing of a silent version of the Phantom of the Opera accompanied by Clark Wilson on the Organ. And what a fine organ it is.




And as far as their fine organ goes, Chelsea Chen's recital on 11/23 features the music of six composers plus her own orginal score, Taiwan Tableaux, 7:30pm.

Some plays at the newly remodeled Mark Taper Forum:

08/29-10/19 The House of Blue Leaves, a heartbreakingly human comedy that explores the lengths people will go in pursuit of the American Dream.

10/30-12/17 The School of Night an historical mystery thriller where William Shakespeare, Thomas Kyd, Sir Walter Raleigh and nearly everyone else are suspects and everyone has a hidden agenda.

Next May: Uncle Vanya by Anton Chekhov.

Next fall: The Lieutenant of Inishmore of which the NY Daily News says, "If Monty Python had ever tackled the issue of Irish terrorism, they might have created something as wild, as brilliant and as weirdly exhilarating as The Lieutenant of Inishmore."

And next December: Palestine, New Mexico. A production by Culture Class. Need I say more?

And, at the superbly small venue of the Kirk Douglas Theatre:

9/21-10/26 This beautiful City, I simply cannot wait. The play, complete with Music by the composer of Bloody, Bloody Andrew Jackson (excellent, excellent musical!), tackles the fervor behind the Evangelical movement, the effect its growth had on its unofficial U.S. capital, Colorado Springs, and the confusion of a community in crisis following the scandalous fall of pastor Ted Haggard. Sounds so great.

Next May: Bengal Tiger at the Baghdad Zoo is an eerily surreal and darkly humorous play about the madness of life in war and what it means to be caught in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Next summer: Heddatron, HALF A DOZEN ROBOTS. LIVE ONSTAGE. REALLY. And a quirky plot that is sure to be a unique theatrical experience at least.

I've seen a few good things at the Ahmanson, such as Edward Scissorhands, but they are usually large and mainstream productions. That is not bad, but I find that I oft prefer the whimsical, the eccentric, the undiscovered, and the intimate when it comes to live theater. Still, a couple worthy mentions:

Next March: Frost/Nixon, an historical play that tackles the question: How did David Frost, a famous British talk show host with a playboy reputation, elicit the apology that the rest of the world was waiting to hear from former President Richard Nixon?

Next April: Ain't Misbehavin' is a rollicking, finger-snapping, toe-tapping, Tony Award®-winning musical revue — a tribute to the black entertainers of the early 1900’s that centers on the music of one of the most prolific musicians of the time, Thomas “Fats” Waller.

Now, the LA Opera's new season is about to be underway. I have tickets to every opera but one (from the Recovered Voices series) and I will report back to you on just how splendid (and yes, beautiful) each production is. I recommend you cruise on over to LA Opera's site this instant and secure yourself some tickets because these opera's are not to be missed. We start with Woody Allen directing Puccini's Il Trittico, three one act operas, and swiftly move on to a brand new production and the US's premier of The Fly (yes, like the cult sci-fi film), and then right on to another Puccini, then glorious Bizet, then Mozart, and then some Wagner and finally Verdi. I just can't wait.

Words of the Day

Here are some great words I found in my current novel, the mystery A Pale Blue Eye.

Tintinnabulation (noun) the ringing or sound of bells.

Semaphoring (verb) a system of signaling, esp. a system by which a special flag is held in each hand and various positions of the arms indicate specific letters, numbers, etc.

Pulchritudinous (adjective) physically beautiful; comely.

I love good words. Takes me back to studying for the SATs...

Six Feet Under

At the finale of my favorite TV show ever, HBO's Six Feet Under, I felt sad, like I had lost some good friends. You know, like the melancholy feeling you get when you finish a great book. I've never been so attached to TV characters, but they all had so many layers, and they were so flawed and human. I couldn't help but identify with them all.

Here is my very favorite scene. It comes from Season 1, Episode 13 when a client asks Nate why people have to die and he thoughtfully explains that it is "to make life important."

TRACY sits at a table. She's been crying a long time. NATE sits beside her.

Nate: May I have a seat?

Tracy: (crying) My aunt Lillian was the only person who ever really loved me. My parents didn't. My husband certainly didn't. And now she's dead. Her husband died, and her daughter died too, in a car crash on her 17th birthday. But Aunt Lillian just went on. She raised Welsh Corgies, and she took up water colors, and she loved me, and now she's dead! I've never felt this alone in the world, and I'm used to feeling alone. I know what that's like, and now I find out that there's this whole new level. (she stares at NATE and NATE stares back, encouraging her to go on) Why do people have to die?

There's a long pause. Then...

Nate: To make life important. None of us know how long we've got, which is why we have to make each day matter, and it sounds like your aunt Lillian did exactly that.

Tracy: Yes, she did.

Nate: Then you can be happy for her-- for a life well-lived. That's the most any of us can hope for. (tears up as well)

I visited the Six Feet Under house yesterday and it was like my hajj to Mecca, you know? It made me want to re-watch the entire series again.

Look, there's me on the front steps!!



And here are a few of my favorite clips...

What a Little Moonlight Can Do

My Favorite Opening Sequence

Nate Just Wants to Celebrate

Compilation of Death Sequences

Compilation of Dream Sequences

Season 5 Promo

Saber Tooth Cats, Mastadons and Dire Wolves Oh My

..And ground sloths and short faced bears and camels and lions and ....

That's right, all this and more at the George C. Page Museum at the La Brea Tar Pits. I visited when I was a kid but hadn't been back since. It was really interesting and I learned a lot.

For example, La Brea has produced more ice age fossils (dating from 38,000 to 8,000 BCE) than any other site in the world with three million bones representing over 600 species. In fact, many fossils at museums the world over come from our very own tar pits.

If you live in the LA area or are thinking about visiting, I highly recommend devoting an afternoon to exploring the hundreds of fossil skeletons on display dating from the last ice age as well as an active tar pit excavation site. There are also four other neat museums within three miles (hence the name, museum row).

Dinner and a Drive-In Movie

Last night Sergei and I went on a date. We had dinner at Islands (Sergei's favorite cheddar fries) and then went to Mission Tiki Drive-In Theater to see Step Brothers (hilarious) and Pineapple Express (pretty funny). Sergei had never been to a drive-in before, and he made the observation that Americans like to live in their cars. Perhaps. Anyway, it was great fun and I think we might do it more often.

My brother had seen both movies and recommended seeing Step Brothers first because, although he thought it was funny, he thought we wouldn't laugh as much after seeing Pineapple Express. He said Pineapple was at the top of his funniest movies list. To be honest, we laughed a lot at Step Bros but didn't quite connect with Pineapple the same way. Sergei and I, perhaps because we've never been stoners, just didn't find all the antics in Pineapple that funny. There were definitely laugh out loud funny parts, but for the most part it just didn't do it for us.

The best part of Step Brothers was Mary Steenburgen's character as Will Ferrell's mom. She talked to Ferrell and John C. Reilly liked they were little children and it was hilarious. Of course, Ferrell and Reilly were great too, and if you enjoy their humor you will probably like the film. Plus, Mary Steenburgen got an honorary degree from my little Alma Mater! Check it out.

If You Want a Friend...

This is for a friend of mine who just rescued a beagle named Snoopy. I heard this clip when it originally aired 2 years ago, and though I generally don't care too much about Martini Shot (a show about show business) this one really stuck with me. It's quite nice, especially to hear Rob Long deliver it. Click on the link below to listen.

This is Rob Long with Martini Shot on KCRW.

There---s an old saying in politics:-- if you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.-- Well, it---s often been said that Hollywood and Washington are similar, and that politics is just show business for ugly people,-- so in 1994, when I wanted a friend in Hollywood, I got a dog.

My friends Jen and Dave rescued a pregnant dog --- she was gorgeous and had one blue eye --- and the dog gave birth to nine puppies, and I got the one that was smart and brown and had a red nose.-- He looked like a cigar, so I called him Cohiba.-- And he was proud and poised and liked to sit in a Sphinx-like pose, with one paw tucked under.

One day we were zig-zagging our way home --- he was maybe 9 months old --- and my neighbors Harry and Judith drove by, stopped the car, and fell in love with him.-- Were there any other puppies, they wanted to know.

Just one, I said.-- And so Cohiba---s littermate --- they named him Victor --- moved in two doors down.--

Now,-- when you walk a dog, or let puppies play together, you get to know someone pretty well.-- Twice a day Harry or Judith or sometimes both of them and I would get together and let the dogs go wild on the grass, and we---d talk --- about people and politics and events and ourselves.-- If you want a friend in Hollywood, get a dog.

My friend Tim had a black Lab who loved the beach, and so one day he called me up and we drove up to El Matador --- back when you could---skirt---the leash laws --- and let our dogs run on the sand and chase birds and dive after tennis balls, get wet and muddy and totally exhausted.-- And when you drive up to Malibu with someone and watch two dogs run free, you get to know someone pretty well.--

So that---s Jen and Dave and Harry and Judith and Tim and his family---.all from one dog.-- Well, you know what they say about wanting a friend.

Here---s what we all say about dogs -- "Oh!-- They give us unconditional love!-- They just love us for us! But is that true?-- In the first place, what would it even mean to a dog to have "conditions" on love?-- I mean, what would those conditions even be?-- No, I think what we're trying to say is, we give THEM unconditional love, or come awfully close to it.-- Closer than we do with the people in our lives -- the ones we're really supposed to love without condition or strings or projection or expectation -- and for a brief moment we know what it's like to love something freely and then it's gone and we're stuck with our complicated, tied-up selves and wishing that we could see for just one last time the way that dog looked at us when we were at the beach, with a tennis ball in our hand.

But of course what we really should be remembering is the way we looked at the dog.

Cohiba died three weeks ago today.-- The friends I made through him and because of him have helped me enormously and this can be a lonely place to live and a very lonely business, but it---s like he provided his own first aid kit.-- When he left me, he left me heartbroken.-- But grateful.-- Because he left me lonely.-- But not alone.

That---s it for this week.-- Apologies for getting---.you know.-- Next week, back to business.-- For KCRW, this is Rob Long with Martini Shot.

I Heard it on WWDTM

A perfect weekend always starts out with Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me! and hot, home cooked breakfast...

"Actually, here's the thing that's amazing. Everyone was like, 'oh yeah, Michael Phelps,' and then the story came out about how much he eats--"

"--He eats a lot, 12,000 calories a day--"

"--And all of the sudden everybody's like 'I wanna be like Mike.' Actually people are already like, 'I already am like Mike.'"

"No, we don't have an obesity crisis, we have a swimming crisis in America."

"We're not swimming enough."

"Do ten laps and get a blooming onion. That's the answer."

--Peter Sagal and Mo Rocco on WWDTM, Saturday August 16, 2008

Original photo caption: “U.S. President George W. Bush playfully pats the backside of U.S. Women's Beach Volleyball team player Misty May-Treanor (L) at her invitation while visiting the Chaoyang Park Beach Volleyball Grounds at the 2008 Summer Olympic Games in Beijing, China, August 9, 2008. Team mate Kerri Walsh (R) watches.”

Corrected caption, eight minutes later: “ATTENTION EDITORS - CAPTION CLARIFICATION U.S. President George W. Bush playfully pats the back of U.S. Women's Beach Volleyball team player Misty May-Treanor (L) at her invitation while visiting the Chaoyang Park Beach Volleyball Grounds at the 2008 Summer Olympic Games in Beijing, China, August 9, 2008. Teammate Kerri Walsh (R) watches.”

That English language can be tricky, can't it? "Back" and "backside" are so similar but seem to have completely different connotations.

-- Andrew Malcolm

And miniature cows? Really? I'm gonna have to double check this with my people in Arkansas.... Oh my goodness, they even make panda cows. I think I need a farm. Cute little pets you can eat. Sweet.


And of course,

Woman, 90, fulfils 'thong' wish

A 90-year-old woman saw her dreams come true when she was served fish and chips by a man dressed only in a thong and a see-through apron.

Now, that is my kind of old lady. Just kidding. That's sick. My waiter would be wearing leather chaps. But seriously, the whole story is pretty bizarre. I mean, fish and chips? I wonder if that was just the special of the day, or if it was actually her first choice?


Lastly, Isaac Hayes, the man who sang "Shaft" and lent his mellow baritone to South Park's Chef, died Sunday at his home in Memphis, Tennessee. He was 65. Here is "Shaft," interpreted through dance by three young men. No homo.

KCRW, my NPR station

I've answered phones at KCRW's semi-annual phone drive faithfully since I moved back to California. Until this summer that is. I was signed up to volunteer yesterday, but due to divers factors including my recent trip to Arkansas, my tutoring schedule and a new job I was not able to make it. To make amends I want to plug KCRW here, since they are my very favorite channel ever.

Oh KCRW, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

1. I was first sold on KCRW because they are an NPR station. I trust NPR more than any other news source, but I also love the way they deliver their news. Their reporting style is so rich that it makes keeping up with current events rewarding. Just give 'em a listen, you'll know what I mean.

2. They produce some awesome news programs. Which Way L.A.? may not be interesting to someone outside southern California, but To the Point, also by Warren Olney and Left, Right and Center are applicable to any region of the world.

3. They also air programs from PRI, American Public Media and the BBC.

4. No commercials. Commercials irritate me to no end. Especially radio commercials.

5. Their music. From indie rock to ambient beats they have the newest, the rarest and the best. I've discovered many of my favorite bands by listening to KCRW's many music programs (Pink Martini, Carmen Rizzo, Wendy McNeil, etc.)

6. Martini Shot. It once nearly made me cry. I think I may have even shed a little tear.

7. Did I already say no commercials?

8. They have terrific member benefits from free tickets to discounts at hundreds of cool places in LA and OC. Yea free stuff!

9. Michael Silverblatt's Bookworm helps me find new stuff to read (not that I need help...)

10. They do really neat spoken word productions of short stories and plays, such as Ten by Maugham.

Consider supporting KCRW, especially if you listen to them. Click here to donate online. Or you can call 1-800-600-KCRW.

Yum Yum

Sergei and I had peaches from our tree and beans from our garden last night and they were like a little slice of heaven. We also had stuffed papers and lime cilantro risotto. Here are some photos for your viewing pleasure, and if looking is not enough for you, the recipes are down there too.

(As you can see from the picture, the beans turn green when they are cooked.)


Cilantro Lime Risotto

Serves 4 Prep Time: 35 minutes Total Time: 35 minutes

2 cans (14.5 oz each) reduced sodium chicken broth
4 TBSP butter
1 medium onion, minced
coarse salt and ground pepper
1 cup Arborio rice
1/2 cup dry white wine
1/3 cup lime juice
1 cup cilantro, chopped

1/2 cup grated Parmesan

1. In a sauce pan, combine broth with 1 cup water. Bring to a boil; reduce heat and keep at a bare simmer.

2. In a large saucepan, heat 2 tablespoons butter over medium. Add onion; season with salt and pepper. Cook, stirring occasionally, until onion is softened, 4 to 5 minutes. Add rice, and cook, stirring frequently, 2 minutes. Add wine, and cook, stirring occasionally, until absorbed, 1 to 2 minutes.

3. Add 2 cups hot broth; simmer over medium-low, stirring occasionally, until mostly absorbed, 10 to 12 minutes. Continue adding broth, 1 cup at a time, allowing each to be absorbed before adding the next, stirring occasionally, until rice is creamy and just tender, 20 to 25 minutes total (you may not need all the broth).

4. Remove from heat. Stir in Parmesan, lime juice, cilantro and remaining 2 tablespoons butter; season with salt and pepper.


Stuffed Poblanos

Serves 4 Prep Time: 20 minutes Total Time: 1 1/2 hours

1 can (28 oz) whole tomatoes in puree
1 jalapeno chile, minced
2 small onions, chopped
3 garlic cloves (2 whole, 1 minced)
coarse salt and ground pepper
1 can (19 oz) black beans, rinsed and drained
1/2 cup yellow cornmeal
1 cup shredded pepper jack cheese
1 tsp cumin
4 large poblano chiles, halved lengthwise, ribs and seeds removed

1. Preheat oven to 425F. In a blender, combine tomatoes in puree, jalapeno, helf the onions, and 2 whole garlic cloves; puree. Season with salt. Pour sauce into a 9-by-13-inch baking dish; set aside.

2. In a medium bowl, combine beans, cornmeal, 1/2 cup cheese, remaining onions, minced garlic, cumin and 3/4 cup water; season with salt and pepper.

3. Dividing evenly, stuff poblano halves with bean mixture; place on top of sauce in baking dish. Sprinkle poblanos with remaining 1/2 cup of cheese; cover baking dish tightly with aluminum foil.

4. Bake until poblanos are tender, about 45 minutes. Uncover, and continue to cook until sauce is thickened slightly and cheese is browned, 10 to 15 more. Let cool 10 minutes and serve.


Vanilla Roasted Peaches with Raspberries

Serves 4 Prep Time: 10 minutes Total Time: 35 minutes

2 TBSP unsalted butter, melted
2 TBSP fresh lemon juice
1 vanilla bean (or 1 tsp pure vanilla extract)
4 firm ripe peaches (1 to 1 1/2 pounds total) halved and pitted
1 package raspberries
vanilla ice cream

1. Preheat oven to 400F. In a large, shallow baking dish, combine butter, lemon juice, sugar and vanilla bean (seeds and pod). Add peaches, and turn to coat with butter mixture; arrange, cut side down, in a single layer.

2. Roast until peaches are tender and cooking liquid is syrupy, 15 to 25 minutes, brushing with cooking liquid halfway through. Serve peaches warm with ice cream and raspberries; drizzle with cooking liquid.

Bon Apetit!

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

In the light of the moon a little egg lay on a leaf. One Sunday morning the warm sun came up and-pop!-out of the egg came a tiny and very hungry caterpillar. He started to look for some food. On Monday he ate through one apple. But he was still hungry. He started to look for some food. On Tuesday he ate through two pears. But he was still hungry. He started to look for some food. On Wednesday he ate through three plums. But he was still hungry. He started to look for some food.

Which naturally brings us to Thursday.

While I recognize that biodiversity is important to the ecological well being of my garden and beyond I can't help but get frustrated with inch worms. They have enjoyed more lettuce from my garden than I ever will. And they are hard to get rid of.

Today I went out to harvest my magic purple beans and found an engorged caterpillar stuck head first in one of my beans Pooh-style. And he was stuck. This was no ordinary caterpillar either. This caterpillar was lavender, much like my beans. After some coaxing I got him out and decided to take his picture since he was such a lovely shade of violet. Then I set him loose in my neighbor's garden.

Bloggingheads

Bloggingheads.tv was started in the fall of 2005 by two journalists who had long been attracted to the idea of pontificating on TV and wondered whether the new economics of the Internet—which had already turned thousands of not-very-good writers into print pundits—could turn two not-very-telegenic people into video pundits. A tech-guy came up with a cost-effective system for creating split-screen streaming videos featuring two people in remote locations and—voilá!—the first “diavlog” was created.

Now the diavlogs have extended beyond the original creators of bloggingheads and include professors from MIT and other top rated universities, editors and contributors to the Nation, Newsweek, Mother Jones, Slate.com and more, and comedians and authors.

They discuss everything from the Olympics, to the election, to moral realism. I suggest you check it out. Click here to go to their front page.

Flex Your Brain

Olympic Logic Puzzle

Based on the following five facts, can you determine which countries win medals in a certain single Olympic event, and what medals they win? Keep in mind that there are exactly three medals given: one gold, one silver, and one bronze. Also, no country can win more than one of these medals.

1. Either Denmark will win the silver medal or England will take the bronze.
2. Denmark will win a medal only if England does not.
3. Either Argentina will win the gold medal or Brazil will win the silver.
4. If China wins a medal then Denmark will also win one.
5. Argentina will win a medal if, and only if, China wins one.

Give up? Shoot me an email and I'll send you the solution.

Another Poem

Bye For Now

Your repeated use of the phrase
at the end of emails
convinced me that we had a future
until I noticed that BBC
news readers and weather reporters
say it to sign themselves off
secure in the knowledge
that some percentage of the population
will still be there later on
even for the World Weatherview
at one o’clock in the morning
even if they’re dead in their armchairs
waiting to be discovered by the neighbours.

by Lorraine Mariner

I Got a Job!!

Yea, I got a job! I got a job! I got a job!

I'm not a bum anymore!

I was offered a full time position as a medic at AMR in Riverside County. I am a little nervous but overall quite happy. I hope that I will find more of what I am looking for out there: a wider scope, primary 911 response, rural service area, fewer firemen or at least nicer ones, and compassionate co-workers.

I start September 2.

A Promise to California

A PROMISE to California,
Or inland to the great pastoral Plains, and on to Puget sound and
Oregon;
Sojourning east a while longer, soon I travel toward you, to remain,
to teach robust American love,
For I know very well that I and robust love belong among you,
inland, and along the Western sea;
For these States tend inland and toward the Western sea, and I will
also.

--Walt Whitman

It's on till the break of dawn, bitch.

It Was Real.

Click on the photo below to visit my photo album.

Arkansas EMS Conference 2008

They say what happens at conference stays at conference, but there are some funny stories behind some of those pictures. And some nice people.

I took my most funniest and fun friend Kim with me to EMS Conference and we laughed so hard it is amazing we weren't kicked out of a few classes.

We also went to one of the old restored bath houses and learned all kinds of words that have, sadly, fallen out of style. Allow me to share a few with you:

Vitiate tr. verb 1 To impair the use or value of; debase; contaminate. 2 To render defective; impair or destroy; render inefficacious. --Vitiable adj --Vitiation noun --Viator noun.

Morbific adj. Producing disease. Also --Morbifical. --Morbifically adv.

Enfeeble tr. adv. To render feeble. See synonyms under impair. --Enfeeblement noun --Enfeebler. noun

Friends, we must take back these words. I charge you, dear Readers, with the task of working them into everyday conversation as soon as possible. Like so:

Tragically, Reinier was enfeebled by scanty fluid intake and excessive dysentery.

That suction canister once so shiny and clean, all else I notice not, nor vomitus in man's beard, nor code brown, nor odors morbific disgust me,
But the suction canister alone - that thick mucus - that green and streaked with bloody sputum - that ruin!

We debauched the young virgin fireman with wine and dancing.

The Weather is Here, Wish You Were Beautiful

Hot Springs is fabulous. Killa-K and me, H-Money, are having a blast. We're Kicking asses and taking pictures. Okay, well, we are taking pictures at least. Big ups to all my BOYZ in Arkansizzle, yo. And word to your mama.

...More to follow...

Why is Life Worth Living?

"Well, all right, why is life worth living? That's a very good question. Well, there are certain things I guess that make it worthwhile. Uh, like what? Okay. Um, for me... oh, I would say... what, Groucho Marx, to name one thing... and Willie Mays, and... the second movement of the Jupiter Symphony, and... Louie Armstrong's recording of 'Potatohead Blues'... Swedish movies, naturally... 'Sentimental Education' by Flaubert... Marlon Brando, Frank Sinatra... those incredible apples and pears by Cezanne... the crabs at Sam Wo's... Tracy's face..."

That is the speech delivered by Woody Allen in the film Manhattan. Well, here are my reasons:

Arkansas EMS Conference or Explode in a Giant Fire Ball

I'm leaving for Hot Springs, Arkansas today to attend their EMS Conference. I'm bringing Killa-K (AKA Leisel) with me to learn by day and party by night. That's our motto. I'm also looking forward to seeing my good friends from Vital Link. Woo hoo! I won't probably have access to a computer while I am there, but don't you worry. I will be back next Tuesday.

-H

Post Consumed

I heard about this exhibit this morning on NPR and it piqued my interest. I'd like to check this out sometime.

Garbage is the effluent of our consumption, and it flows backwards through the landscape of Los Angeles. Unlike liquid wastes, which drain downslope to the sea, the tiny tributaries of trash, from millions of homesteads, collected by a fleet of thousands of trucks circulating in constant motion, hauling to nodes of sorting, distribution, reuse, and, finally disposal, flow up the canyons and crevices to the edge of the basin.

Hear Hear

Here are a few of the bands I'm currently listening to:

Nada Surf

Beck

The Virgins (Can't get enough of the funk.)

M.I.A.

Fleet Foxes (Scroll down Amazon's page to hear samples off their debut album. They are amazing. They sound like Simon and Garfunkel or The Byrds.)

M83 (The video for Graveyard Girl is pretty cute in a corny sort of way, though I doubt cute is what they were going for.)

Yeasayer

My Morning Jacket (I especially love "Librarian.")

The Ting Tings (She's got great attitude.)

The Decemberists

Bon Iver (He just sounds like he has a beard.)

MGMT (This one's for Sergei since he's in the solar industry, but this one is cool too.)

Electric 6 (This song is for Sergei too.)

Sigur Ros (This song is brimming with melancholy and beauty. This one sounds like what heartbreak feels like. Okay, here's a happier one.)

The Wombats (It really makes me feel like dancing.)

Vampire Weekend (I personally love any song that starts, "Who gives a fuck about..." plus the video is pretty sweet. Wes Andersonesque.)


Sonic Youth (So classic.)

The Kills (Here is one of my favorites of theirs, and a nod to Serge Gainsbourg as well.)

The Go! Team
The Futureheads


And I'm still loving:

Cold War Kids
Pavement (Okay, the song is like 15 years old but it is still great.)
Peter, Bjorn and John
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOHCmr8shWc&feature=user
Muse
The Shins
Morrisey
The Darkness

Imagining the Tenth Dimension

All You Need is Love

10 reason why gay marriage is wrong and should be illegal.

01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their children, their kitchen appliances, even their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract and give legal consent.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage, or all 8 of Elizabeth Taylor's marriages, would be destroyed.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Dwight Crum Pier to Pier Swim Results

They finally posted my official time of 1:08:52 and my overall place of 447 out of 829. It sounds terrible, but I am pretty happy with it. For my age group 25-29 I came in 18 out of 31, and for women overall I placed 146 out of 292. They actually have me recorded as a male, so I had to email them to tell them that they were mistaken. Click here if you want to check out the results for yourself. My bib number was 840.

Gots to Make Mamamama Ma Money

A song for Mrs. Jinglepockets. Killa-K, B-Real and T-Bone know what I'm talkin about. Maybe she should start slangin' loofas. H-Money wears a blue (and green) patch on her left side; because yo, thats the EMT side. Don't forget it, and tell a friend.





Ain't no thang but a chicken wang.

I love the World

Where the Hell is Matt?

This guy has one sweet gig. He decided he wanted to see the world and, due to his unique dance, eventually found a sponsor to support his travelling habit.

Visit Where the Hell is Matt? and be sure to check out the videos.

The Literal Fruits of my Labor

Earlier this summer I decided I wanted a garden. I've never tried to grow a garden before because I've never really been able to keep any plant alive. My thumb is as brown as whatever you can think of that is brown. Still, I really wanted a garden. So, I decided to plant zucchinis, dixie squash, cucumbers, cantaloupe, broccoli, cauliflower, lettuce and purple beans (like green beans). I sewed the seeds indoors and let them grow to little sprouts before turning them loose in the arid and hostile wasteland that is my backyard. After much watering and coaxing and weeding and diligent chasing off of pestilent creatures the backyard has become a verdant oasis. Okay, that is a bit of a stretcher. But, it has finally produced some magic beans which turn green when cooked. There were three beans to be exact, which I shared with Sergei and Alexis (my little sis).

Victory!

I did the Dwight Crum 2 mile Pier to Pier swim this morning and am happy to report that I did PR. Official times haven't been posted yet, but I know it's 1:08 something. So, about a minute better than last time. Yea!

This is the first time the race has used timing chips. We were given little anklets to wear that looked like the throwaway bracelets that lets you ride all the rides at the fair. The good was that we didn't have to give them back, so there was no worrying about losing them and having to fork over $20. The bad was that each and every swimmer that I saw after the race had a red badge of courage on their ankle from the repeated slicing of the sharp plastic. Ouch.

The waves weren't any better this year than last by the way. I didn't let them slow me down though. Last time I actually stopped swimming and treaded water at the end of the pier and chatted with the life guard about saving me, but this time I figured stopping wasn't going to make them go away. I was watching the pillars of the pier to see where abouts they were crashing so I could know when to start freaking out when all of a sudden I was overtaken by a massive fuck off wave. MASSIVE fuck off. It pushed me forward about 50 yards and held me under. I thought I was a gonner. My stream of consciousness went something like this, "damn, I knew this was going to happen. This is really freakin scary. I think I am actually going to die here. How bizarre to die at the finish line." Then it suddenly let go of me and I got a breath and finished the race. And I PRed!!

Then Sergei and I went to Nick's in Seal Beach and split a breakfast burrito. Yum.

The Great Pier to Pier Dwight Crum Swim

The presence of your good thoughts are requested tomorrow morning at 9am Pacific time. That is when I shall embark upon my 2 mile rough water swim from the south side of the Hermosa Beach Pier to the north side of the Manhattan Beach Pier.

I did it in 2006 in 1:09:30.57 and hope to beat that time. Part of that will depend on current and water conditions, of course. I am hesistant to say that it truly could not be worse than in 2006 when the waves grew to immense proportions during the race, because I know things can always be worse. Last time I swam to end of the pier, the home stretch, and asked a lifeguard to rescue me. Thankfully she declined and so I was not DQed.

I'll post my results tomorrow.

Here is the Surf Festival's website.

It's been a while

Yeah, so it's been a while. I am still training for the triathlon, but I am training alone. No worries. Two guys at work have told me that they intend to do triathlons in the future, just not PCT. So, I it wasn't all for naught.

Anyhoo, while I may continue to post random nuggets of tri goodness, The Carpe Diem Diaries will settle back down to reporting on the things that make life good: good books, good times, good food, good conversation.

On that note, I have added a new feature to CDD, which is All Consuming (in the margin). All Consuming is a website designed to catalog, share and receive suggestions for books, music, movies, food and gadgets. I'm not trying to advocate consumerism here. Still, who hasn't been consumed by a great novel, an enchanting song or a whimsical movie? Hopefully All Consuming is a tool that will help me find more Life Aquatics, Con Almas, tentation apples and Kitchens.